Is she in heaven now?

I wish I could say," It is well with my soul." But I can't, I just can't.

A child has died, right in front of our eyes. Right in front of my eyes.

I saw her lips turned blue, her limps hanging lifelessly. Her little face was ash white, her eyes were tightly close. She couldn't hear us, she couldn't respond to anybody. Her mother was weeping, she was walking around and shaking, she was in shock. So as we.
This is the first time she came to our gym. They came for a birthday party. We were running around, laughing, jumping.

Then I saw her walking towards the lobby. She looked so tired. I thought she missed her mom and she just wanted to catch a breath from all the running around.

The next thing I knew, the parents were squating around her. She has collapsed in the lobby. They held her feet up, she was all white, her little head tilted to the side. They asked me to go get some ice. I was in shock. I saw that her lips had turned blue. I ran to the back and grabbed some ice and ran back to them. A mom was calling 911. I didn't know what to do. My director asked me to stay in the gym with all other 20 kids who came to the birthday party, she went out to the lobby to help.

Kids started to gather around her, they didn't know what had happened. A mom told me to keep the music on, keep the kids occupied and don't let them see what had happened. So I played games with them to keep them occupied. I tried to laugh and smile and being silly, even though I saw my director and a mom were perfoming CPR and chest compression on her. Even though I could hear her mom weeping frantically out there. All the moms had the same expression, they started to cry. Some children realise something was going on out there, they were disturbed, confused, and scared. I had to keep them calm, so we played game after game. I laughed like I was crazy, even though inside me I was cracking. Where is the ambulance? Why aren't the paramedics here yet? Please come now, please. Lord, please be with her and keep her alive. I kept praying.

It seemed like it took the ambulance forever to get to the gym. They finally came. They were trying to keep her breathing. I couldn't really see what they were doing to her. A kid came to me and sair, the ambulance is here. She looked so confused and scared. I said it's ok. More like saying that to myself than her. If I said it's ok for thousand times, maybe it would keep her alive. We keep playing games, I tried to laugh and act funny and silly. The guilt inside of my was gnawing me alive. At one point I thought I couldn't make it anymore. Tear welled up in my eyes. But look at them, I said to myself. Look at all these kids, they don't know what's going on. They won't understand and they need you. I tried my best to hang on. One or two moms came to help me, they told me, just few more minutes, just few more minutes till they brought her out of here.

I don't know how many games we had played or how long the confusion went on. I lost track of time. I caught glimpse of her on the stretcher and the paramedics were still doing chest compression on her. Finally they took her to the ambulance and they left. My director came in and asked me to tell the kids to go put on their shoes and sock and they can now leave. I went and told them. My director was sobbing. I was shaking. She didn't make it? I asked. She said the paramedics told them that she probably wouldn't make it. I finally let my tear to flow free.

How old is she? Five? Six? I don't know. I don't even remember her name. But I remember she was smiling so sweetly like an angel. I have been praying whole night and morning for her. But they called me this morning and said she didn't make it. I'm mad, I'm upset, I'm still in shock. A child has died, right in front of our eyes. Yet we couldn't do anything to save her. She was still jumping around and laughing the minute before, but the next minute, she just slipped away slowly like that, right in front of us. She didn't even say good bye. Did she know what was going on at her last minute???

I know God has a plan for all of us, and He meant the best for us. I know I won't be able to understand what He does sometimes, or why He let them happen. I know I should trust in Him. But at this minute, at this moment, it hurts me so much that, I just can't say,"It is well with my soul." Please pray for her mom, her family. Please. Please pray that me and my director will overcome the grieve, and continue to have faith in the Lord.

我但愿能如歌曲所说一样：我心得安宁。可是，现在，这个时刻，我不能。
昨天在体育馆为一个小孩办生日会时，有个小女孩忽然昏倒了。
然后，竟然停止了呼吸。
一切发生得很突然。前一刻我还看见她快乐地笑着，然后，下一秒，下一秒她就在待客室里昏了过去。她的妈妈还有其他几个小孩的妈妈正在尝试让她清醒过来。她们问我，你们有冰袋吗？我匆匆忙忙跑到储藏室里从冰箱里掏出冰袋，然后匆匆忙忙跑回待客室去。她们将冰袋放在她脸颊上，我看见她的双唇已呈青紫色。有个妈妈已经在打电话给911。主管说，妳待在体育室里陪其他小孩，我出去帮忙。
来参加派对的小孩大概有20人。他们开始前去围观。有的脸上写满恐惧与不安。有的很困惑。有的开始哭了起来。有个妈妈对我说，妳赶快想些什么活动让他们玩，不要让他们看见发生了什么，尽量让他们忙碌。于是我跟他们玩了一个又一个游戏。我努力地大声笑着，嬉皮笑脸地开无聊的玩笑，有些小孩开始比较冷静下来。我们在体育室里玩着笑着，外面我瞥见主管还有一个妈妈正在为小女孩进行人工呼吸，我知道情况很不乐观。她小小的脸颊已经非常苍白，四肢没有生命力的横跨在地上。她妈妈开始抽泣起来，很多妈妈也开始哭了。为什么，为什么救伤车还不来呢？上帝啊，请你帮帮忙让她继续挨下去好不好？我一直一直祈祷着。
有那么一霎那，我以为我快崩溃了，我真的挨不下去了。外面有个小女孩的生命正慢慢逝去，我却在里面玩着游戏，笑着跳着，多么悲哀跟讽刺。泪水已经模糊了我的双眼，我很想就那样大哭起来，我很想去拥抱在外面不停哀号着的小女孩的妈妈。可是看看你眼前这些小孩，他们是多么年幼，他们根本无法明白发生了什么事又或者他们应该怎样去接受这件事。他们会很害怕，他们会恐慌。那样情况会更糟糕。他们需要妳。我这样想，然后将眼泪往肚子里吞。
不知经过了多久，对我们来说好像有一世纪那么久，救伤车终于来了。医务人员立刻替她进行急救。有个小女孩惶恐地对我说，外面有救伤车。我说，没有事，别担心。好像如果我重复对自己说了一遍又一遍也许她会得救。有几个妈妈跑来帮我进行游戏。她说，多一分钟，再多一分钟等他们将她送上救伤车就好了。于是我继续笑着陪他们玩游戏。
终于救伤车走了。主管双眼红肿地对我说，妳去叫那些小孩穿上鞋子，回家去吧。于是我照做了。我们默默地收拾体育室。我不知怎样开口，我身体正在颤抖着。她。。。挨不下去了吗？我问。主管哭着含糊不清地说：医务人员说也许她不行了。。。
我终于哭了起来。

我一整晚一整个早上都在替她祷告。可是体育馆的同僚打电话给我说，她走了。
我如同昨晚一样，还是很震惊。很悲伤，很难过，很愤怒。
这是第一次，第一次我眼睁睁看着一个生命，而且还是那么年幼的生命在我面前慢慢逝去，而我们竟然一点都做不了什么。一个孩子就这样死去了，在我们的体育馆里。她才几岁？5岁？6岁？我连她的名字都记不得了。她就这样，没有说再见就走了。她甚至知道吗？在她最后一分钟，她知道她正在死去吗？？
我最后一次看见她活着的时候，她正在从体育室里往待客室走去。她看起来很疲惫，满脸都是汗水。我以为她只是累了，想妈妈了，只是出去向妈妈撒撒娇，休息一会。我没有对她说什么。。。

我知道上帝对每一个我们都有不同的美好的旨意。我知道有时候我们无法明白为什么他让某些事发生，又或者为什么他让我们心碎。我知道我应该相信他，就像你永远相信你的父母所作一切是为你好一样，虽然有时他们叫你心碎。可是，要我像写词人在失去1个儿子，4个女儿后还能说：我心得安宁，我在这一刻，做不到。
请替小女孩的妈妈，还有她的家人祷告。

This hymn was writ­ten af­ter two ma­jor trau­mas in Spaf­ford’s life. The first was the great Chi­ca­go Fire of Oc­to­ber 1871, which ru­ined him fi­nan­cial­ly (he had been a weal­thy bus­i­ness­man). Short­ly af­ter, while cross­ing the At­lan­tic, all four of Spaf­ford’s daugh­ters died in a col­li­sion with an­o­ther ship. Spaf­ford’s wife Anna sur­vived and sent him the now fa­mous tel­e­gram, “Saved alone.” Sev­er­al weeks lat­er, as Spaf­ford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daugh­ters died, the Ho­ly Spir­it in­spired these words. They speak to the eter­nal hope that all be­liev­ers have, no mat­ter what pain and grief be­fall them on earth.

＜我心靈得安寧＞這首詩的作者 Horatio G. Spafford是一個芝加哥長老教會
的平信徒；1828年10月20日出生在紐約的North Troy。年輕時他已經是一個成功
的律師了。儘管事業很成功，也很富有，他卻有一顆愛主的心；不但在教會中熱
心服事，也大力地支持當時一些神所重用的大佈道家，像慕迪（D. L. Moody）
他們。此外他還是一個頗有名氣的聖樂家。神賜給他很高的才華、很好的修養，
他自己也特別看重靈命的追求，對神的話更是拳拳服膺。看起來神對一個愛祂的
人充滿了祝福和眷顧，讓他過著安寧滿足的幸福生活；但從43歲那年起（1871年
），神卻讓幾件極重大的事故臨到他家。

1871年他把大部分家產投資到Michigan湖畔的房產上，當時那是一個非常好的
投資﹔但是那年10月芝加哥發生了那次著名的大火，把芝加哥城幾乎全都燒光﹔
當然他的投資也通通被燒乾淨了。更增添他不幸的是，而在那之前不久，他唯一
的兒子才剛剛過世。Spafford一家一向是用行動活出生命裡的信仰；那次火災雖
然他們遭受喪子和蕩產這樣雙重嚴重的打擊，但卻打起精神，花錢費力地濟助教
會的弟兄姊妹和其他災民。

災後他們辛辛苦苦竭盡所能地服事了兩年，再加上自己原本的創傷，全家已經
精疲力竭。1873年當慕迪在英國佈道時，Horatio打算帶全家 11月到英國休息一
下，並且去找慕迪，協助他那兒的佈道工作。當他和太太　Anna　以及四個女兒
（Tanetta,Maggie, Annie and Bessie）正要登上S.S. Ville du Havre號啟程的
那一刻，突然公司發生一些意外，使他臨時被留了下來，只有媽媽帶著孩子先搭
那班船走了。11月22日Ville du Havre號在大西洋上被一艘英國船Lochearn攔腰
撞上。船被撞得很嚴重，僅僅大約十二分鐘就沈沒了。在船長宣告船快沈沒時，
Anna牽著三個孩子的手跪下來禱告；禱告的時候，一個大浪來把三個大女兒沖走
了，緊接著又一個大浪再來把最小的女兒也沖走了，Anna自己也被沖落海中。在
大海裡，Anna慌亂地想搶救孩子，但只抓到了孩子身上的一件睡衣。全船 269人
中最後只有47個人被救起來。Anna在昏迷中也被救起，送到威爾斯。

船難的消息很快地傳到芝加哥，Horatio天天焦急地盼望得知太太和孩子的下落
。終於10天以後Anna發來一份電報，電報上只有簡簡單單的兩個字「Saved alone」
。夜裡，Horatio感覺神的手好重好重地壓在身上，他的心都碎了，但是神好遙遠
、好陌生，他好孤單、好無依。

過了幾天Horatio搭上一班船趕到英國去會他那悲痛欲絕的妻子。船走在同一條
航路上﹔每天好多個小時，Horatio獨自一人站在甲板上，這是幾天前他寶貝的女
兒曾走過的路。當船經過船難中女兒們淹死的地方時，船長把他叫到船橋，指著
海圖告訴他這就是那個地方。就在他傷心地走回甲板時，突然他感覺到神正在安
慰他，告訴他孩子們已經在祂裡面，將來在天上要和他重聚。就在那一刻他一生
所遭遇的化成了這首詩。詩裡說他「有時享平安如江河平又穩，有時遇悲傷似浪
滾」，又說當「遇悲傷似浪滾」的時候，他經歷到主的愛與安慰，因此他有把握
說「無論何環境，我已蒙主眷佑」。他知道這一切，是對他的靈有益的，所以詩
裡他說 "It is well with my soul"（中譯「我心靈得安寧」）。

聖經上說︰「萬事都互相效力，教愛神的人得益處。」神允許世上的苦難臨到
祂所疼愛、所呵護的兒女，並不是徒然的、沒有意義的。苦難也是祂給他們的恩
典，裡面滿了祂的呵護、疼惜、和不忍﹔但祂要造就他們，讓他們的生命成熟，
這一切都是要讓他們將來能承受那極重無比、永遠的榮耀和獎賞。



It Is Well with My Soul

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 有时平静似条河平又稳
When sorrows like sea billows roll; 有时悲伤似浪涛汹涌又翻滚
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 无论何环境，我蒙主引领
“It is well, it is well with my soul” 我的心得安宁，得安宁。

Chorus: It is well (it is well)
with my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

2. Though Satan should buffet, 撒旦虽来袭
though trials should come, 众试炼虽来临
Let this blessed assurance control, 我有主保证在我心
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, 基督已清楚我境况无人助
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. 就为我流宝血救赎我。
(Repeat chorus)

3. My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought! 我的罪， 想到此我便知我有福
My sin, not in part but the whole, 我的罪，不是部分却是完完整整
Is nailed to the cross, 被钉在十字架上
and I bear it no more, 我不必再背负
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 赞美主！ 赞美主！ 我的心！
(Repeat chorus)

4. And Lord haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound,
and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
(Repeat chorus)